As a child of the 90's I distinctly remember my ADHD brother have a hell of a time in school. He was always in trouble. First it was not doing his school work in elementary school, then it was him knowing more than the current events and history teachers so he would argue with them. My Mom eventually learned he had ADHD, but there were limited resources and educators really didn't know what to do with him. I saw a tic tok video recently that had me in stitches but also got me thinking. I wish I knew how to find it so I could plug it in here. This girl was Playing two roles, one of herself and the other of her Grandma. The Grandma kept saying we didn't have things like ADHD and autism back in our day. The girl would respond with something along the lines of OK Karen, with your cupboard full of special porcelain dishes that nobody's allowed to use. The basic gist of it is older generations keep saying we didn't have those types of things back in our day when really they did they just weren't diagnosed, or the way things were just so different. I decided to look up when ADHD was discovered. I found a fascinating article, The History of ADHD: A Timeline ( healthline.com ) . I learned ADHD was discovered in 1902 and how the name along with the understanding changed over time. It is no wonder my brother did not get the resources he needed. According to the article: ADHD cases began to climb significantly in the 1990s. There may be a few potential factors behind the rise in diagnoses: Doctors were able to diagnose ADHD more efficiently. More parents were aware of ADHD and were reporting their children’s symptoms. More children were actually developing ADHD. That last bit is what really gets me. I don't think more kids were developing it, I think our parents were starting to loosen up on how kids should act and behave. What if in the 60s-70s kids had ADHD but their parents were so strict or uninvolved that they just dealt with it and masked? Now those same kids are parents to our generations and they wanted better for their kids. I still think there is work to do. We have the benefit of tic-tok and internet where we can see how much more common it is so it is accepted. I still see the older generation not understanding their younger ADHD coworkers and how their brains work. There is still some of that back in the day attitude. I personally am here for the younger generation speaking up and Always Disrupting How its Done (ADHD).

I often find myself clicking on articles discussing how and why adult children are cutting their parents off from seeing their grandchildren. What's concerning me is how many grandparents are bewildered and heartbroken. They say their child suddenly decided they weren't allowed to see their grandchildren. They often have absolutely no idea why or they are suddenly and without warning bombarded with all their unspoken transgressions their kids experienced while growing up or in adult relationships. While I believe the reasons for such drastic measures are often complex and multifaceted, I feel for the grandparents that have savagely had their grandchildren ripped away from them and have no closure or course of action to redemption. The Estrangement Phenomenon According to many of these articles, the estrangement between grandparents and their grandchildren often stems from unresolved conflicts and feelings of resentment that have accumulated over the years. Adult children may decide to sever ties due to their past experiences and/or perceived gaslighting, emotional abuse, or neglect during their childhood. I've also read about grandparents being cut off simply for refusing to babysit their grandchild one time. Now my power of connection is not the best, but even I can see there is a relationship between the unspoken feelings of resentment and suddenly being cut off.  We are all guilty of harboring negative emotions and then cracking suddenly. Another reason I have seen is that the parent might think their parent is criticizing their parenting, which if they already feel anger about how they were raised I am sure “How dare they?” crosses their minds. I'm sure there are plenty of adult children that have good reason to cut their parents off, adult children who have cut grandparents off from their grandchildren for an insignificant reasons and adult children who are silently suffering and waiting for the straw to hit the camels back so they can retreat.   Grandparents can self-reflect and be specific I am no psychologist or family therapist, and I have no experience facilitating the repair of a relationship between adult children and grandparents. This is a blog of my opinion after all and not a suggestion of an alternative to counseling. I am a huge proponent of counseling and think people are largely missing out on the advantages of seeing a family therapist. One thing I want grandparents to know and understand is that their children are currently in the middle of parenting. I know that sounds silly, but I am amazed how many complaints I read about or hear where grandparents expect their adult children to pack up and come to grandma and grandpa's house. I have read stories about grandparents who expect their adult children to make spending time with grandkids their priority without having to do any actual work to make it happen. I think with grandparents are missing out on is the empathy for their children. Yes, I get that you pictured the grandkids coming to your house or have a hectic life and wish your kids made more of an effort, but you have to understand that your children are actively parenting and unless you have children living in your house that you're also raising you are not dealing with the same struggles as your children. It's not your child's responsibility to make sure you have a relationship with your grandchild. YOU have to make the effort, NOT your children or grandchildren. It is up to YOU to actively engage. If you work a lot, have an active social life or want to travel that is a you problem not your kids problem. If you can say “I did my raising of kids and I want to enjoy my retirement” then you can find empathy for your kids who are currently doing it. You should be able to travel and enjoy yourself but if you get cut off because you chose to do those things instead of cultivating a relationship with your grandchildren I have very little sympathy for you. It is hard to change, and you certainly do not have to change but understand that one thing your child can change is your access to them and their children if it is causing harm. Based on my life and what I see around me, young parents are struggling, and it’s not limited to the young or parents. Now, I don’t have any statistics or hard facts for you, but in this case I doubt I need them. The struggle is real in your 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s and beyond.  We are all trying to survive and balance all the parts of our lives. You must accept that your dreams of being a grandparent are going to be different than what your children and grandchildren need from you. If you “have no idea why you were cut off” or “what they are claiming is untrue they had a loving and safe childhood” there are somethings I think you can do if you are able to communicate with your child in any capacity. Spend time self-reflecting and try to see if you fit any of the examples I have heard of. How would you want to be helped when you were actively parenting? And then try to find a way to fit that into an apology you should be giving your kids. Write a letter detailing how you recognize your faults and that you want to find a way to work on the relationship. This is where you should google how to self-reflect and how to demonstrate that you have changed. And yes, whether you think you are at fault or not you might have to be the one to do this. Young parents One thing I hear a lot but never really see examples of when it comes to a parent child relationship is establishing boundaries. I don't know if anybody else has been told to establish a clear boundary without knowing what a boundary is. This is not the legal definition but in my words a boundary is something you do to protect yourself that usually has a behavior attached to it. Earlier I mentioned one of my personal boundaries. If I try to tell someone I care about they are doing something that has a negative effect on me, and they respond with “I am who I am and you can’t change me” then I get to establish a boundary and not allow that person access to my life or the life of my children. I can say, “ I understand that you are unwilling or unable to change, however there are things I can change and one of those things is your access to me and my family.” There plain and simple.   Personal Experience I am actively raising children, work full time and have a spouse that works full time. We are busy. My oldest is a preteen girl and usually only wants to talk to me at the most inconvenient time. Usually around 9:00 at night, when I am finally winding down after working, commuting and the nightly routine and she's turned off her screen time she wants to tell me absolutely everything. I wasn't even on my phone for 5 minutes before she came out talking. I was short with her. I scowled and scoffed, rolled my eyes and asked her what she wanted because I had just turned my phone on. She obviously got upset. I realized that even though I'd had a busy day it was the first time all day she was able to talk to me. She's 12 so she's not going to realize all the things I had to do while she was playing tech time. I put myself in her shoes, how would I feel if I went up to my parents to try talk to them and more often than not they scowled and scoffed and rolled their eyes. It might not have happened every time I went to go talk to my Mom, but it would have to be just enough times to hurt me.  That could lead me to believe I was emotionally neglected, most especially if I have a therapist tell me this is an example of emotional neglect. Fortunately, I happen to be rather perceptive and pay attention to people's body language. It was easy to spot the hurt in my kid’s eyes and I came from a place of curiosity to find out why my daughter wanted to talk to me. I apologized to her and have since corrected that behavior. Getting to this point was not easy for me. It took me a while to learn. But I learned, they are worth it.

Our diagnosis story started when I asked my pediatrician to help me find out if my son was some form of neurodivergent. My Mom started to notice indicators of ADHD when he was about 3.5-4 years old, they were the same things she noticed about my brother when he was about 4. The ped said I could contact a local center that does these types of diagnosis. I called, they could see me about 6 months out and my son would by then have missed the cut-off date of three. That was about as far as I got before he went to preschool.  After about 6 months of communication about my son’s behavior at preschool we decided to get the local school district involved. They sent a counselor out to observe my son's behavior and asked the school and I to fill out questionnaires. She agreed that he qualified for special education at a nearby school. I thought that was the diagnosis. It was not. These experiences had one of many things in common, every time we talked about my son’s behavior I was always asked if he “displayed symptoms when he was an infant”. I also got the “I know you didn’t know what to look out for, most parents don’t.”. This article aims to identify early indicators and help you determine if and when you should attempt for a diagnosis as well as what to do to get a diagnosis.  I am still in the process of listening to “Driven to Distraction” on audible and I heard pretty much the same things that I read in the articles cited here. I wanted to share what I found on the subject both in the book and using google. BTW if anyone knows how to get access to the research professionals use that would be awesome. I had access in College and have not been lucky enough to find it again.  Is there a problem? ADHD is a chronic illness with more than 60% of children who have it carry it with them into adulthood. According to Driven to Distraction, you may think your child has ADHD if they are at times hyperactive/impulsive or display inattention.  If you have babies and toddlers you know they don’t pay attention if they don’t want to. I used to think my children inherited my attitude, which toddlers typically have. So don’t stress if your under three ignores you or run circles in the McDonald’s play place as this is normal baby/toddler behavior. Also don’t stress even if you have an ADHDer, you're in for a ride, a good one at that.  What you want to look for is how your child is acting in relation to other children. Does your child get out of their seat in school, church or other situations where they know they shouldn't?  Are they fidgeting, squirming and constantly tapping their hands or feet when they should sit still? Are these happening more frequently and for longer than 6 months? If your child is at least four and you can say yes to some of the symptoms described above you might want to contact your pediatrician. I also want to note that not all pediatricians are going to specialize in ADHD. If you think your child is neurodivergent and you are not getting the diagnosis you want from your doctor go to another one. A quick Google search or contacting your healthcare provider should give you a list of pediatricians near you that are able to assist you in getting a diagnosis. According to The Iowa Clinic, ADHD can be diagnosed as early as 4. Between the ages of 4-16 a child must show six or more symptoms for more than 6 months and behaviors have to show up in more than one setting like home or school. Detailed symptoms can be found at the end of this article.  What should I look for in my infant? According to Verywell, A 2019 research paper published in European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (ECAP)  found that signs of ADHD can be seen as early as infancy. For more resources on ADHD click the link to ADHD interviews and studies on the ECAP website: Zoekresultaten | ESCAP . Although, there is limited research showing that certain characteristics in babies may indicate an ADHD diagnosis in the future. Some examples of early indicators : You may notice that your baby has a more challenging temperament, your baby may show signs of a language delay, especially between 9-18 months, your baby may show signs of motor delay between 9-18 months and you may find yourself describing your baby as difficult, fussy or a handful. Genetics is the largest indicator of ADHD. It often runs in families if your child has ADHD there is a 25% chance that one of their parents do too, if one sibling does the other probably does too. If you have ADHD in your family or have a child who already was diagnosed you should be paying attention to your babies temperament, ability to make eye contact and fine motor skills.  Hyperactivity/impulsiveness and inattention symptoms:  Early diagnosis can help you start the process of getting the support your child needs to be successful. My Mother was concerned with having my Brother on ADHD meds at such a young age. When I was offered to put my son on meds I carried that same mentality and shared that with his psychiatrist. According to her, studies show that children who are not medicated have a harder time later in life then those that were. I am not trying to convince you to put your kids on meds if that is not your goal, merely stating a fact I was told.  Signs of ADHD in Toddlers Restlessness Running around, climbing, and jumping on everything Constantly “on the go,” as if they are “driven by a motor” Talking nonstop Difficulty concentrating, forgetting instructions, moving from one task to another without completion Acting without thinking, talking over the top of others, losing control of emotions easily, being accident prone Constant fidgeting and restlessness Trouble concentrating and focusing Hyperactivity Impulsivity The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth edition (DSM-5) outlines the symptoms of hyperactivity and inattention. Each category has 9 symptoms associated with ADHD.  Inattention signs, your child may have trouble: Paying attention to details or make careless mistakes Focusing on tasks or at play Listening when you or a teacher speaks to them directly Following through on instructions, homework or chores Organizing tasks or activities Completing tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time and express their dislike or completely avoid these things Keeping track of their belongings, like school supplies, glasses or a phone Remembering things in daily activities Avoiding distractions Hyperactivity/impulsivity, your child might: Fidget, squirm and constantly tap their hands or feet Get out of their seat in school, church or other situations where they should remain seated Run and climb in inappropriate places or situations Be unable to play or take part in leisure activities quietly Have a high motor and always be on the go Talk excessively Blurt out answers before questions are completed Have trouble waiting their turn Interrupt conversations and games Sources:  ADHD in Babies: Signs, Symptoms, and Treatment ( verywellmind.com ) 18 Early Warning Signs of ADHD in Children | The Iowa Clinic

I was recently told by my therapist that I have many indicators of ADHD. In fact, according to her "ADHD people are attracted to and usually marry others with ADHD". I had never heard either of those things before. I wonder how that is possible while also having many examples at my disposal. Wouldn't we drive each other nuts with our tendencies? Then add in a few kids with the SAME tendencies and there you go. I know people with ADHD are more than likely to produce children with ADHD. That is an attraction I was aware of, but this seems like a bit much. I decided to do a google search and see what I learned. The only thing I found that addressed this was a Reddit post. Now I do not know much about Reddit. I have an account I don't know how to use, but that is the extent of it. There were only a few comments on this post, but they all said in one way or another that the people in their inner circle also have some form of ADHD. As I mentioned before I was never told I had ADHD before. Sure, there were indicators, but my whole childhood was devoted to treating the symptoms of my Brother's ADHD so no one paid attention to me. I TOTALLY understand why. He was a monster compared to me. I was the good kid. He took all the heat and I will always love him for that. Now that I am an adult I see things that make me think, huh. What is even more interesting to me is my spouse was recently diagnosed with ADHD. This is 2 people who had very little idea that they have ADHD and we seemed to find each other. The only missing piece of the puzzle is.....he drives me nuts. His ADHD tendencies do not mix with my ADHD tendencies. I tend to be way more fast paced and hyper. The only hyper he gets is hyper focused on something inconsequential he discovers RIGHT as we are walking out the door to a plan I spent many hours planning and obsessing over. We make it work but man was it hard not getting a diagnosis before now!