I often find myself clicking on articles discussing how and why adult children are cutting their parents off from seeing their grandchildren. What's concerning me is how many grandparents are bewildered and heartbroken. They say their child suddenly decided they weren't allowed to see their grandchildren. They often have absolutely no idea why or they are suddenly and without warning bombarded with all their unspoken transgressions their kids experienced while growing up or in adult relationships. While I believe the reasons for such drastic measures are often complex and multifaceted, I feel for the grandparents that have savagely had their grandchildren ripped away from them and have no closure or course of action to redemption.

The Estrangement Phenomenon

According to many of these articles, the estrangement between grandparents and their grandchildren often stems from unresolved conflicts and feelings of resentment that have accumulated over the years. Adult children may decide to sever ties due to their past experiences and/or perceived gaslighting, emotional abuse, or neglect during their childhood. I've also read about grandparents being cut off simply for refusing to babysit their grandchild one time. Now my power of connection is not the best, but even I can see there is a relationship between the unspoken feelings of resentment and suddenly being cut off.  We are all guilty of harboring negative emotions and then cracking suddenly. Another reason I have seen is that the parent might think their parent is criticizing their parenting, which if they already feel anger about how they were raised I am sure “How dare they?” crosses their minds. I'm sure there are plenty of adult children that have good reason to cut their parents off, adult children who have cut grandparents off from their grandchildren for an insignificant reasons and adult children who are silently suffering and waiting for the straw to hit the camels back so they can retreat.

Grandparents can self-reflect and be specific

I am no psychologist or family therapist, and I have no experience facilitating the repair of a relationship between adult children and grandparents. This is a blog of my opinion after all and not a suggestion of an alternative to counseling. I am a huge proponent of counseling and think people are largely missing out on the advantages of seeing a family therapist.

One thing I want grandparents to know and understand is that their children are currently in the middle of parenting. I know that sounds silly, but I am amazed how many complaints I read about or hear where grandparents expect their adult children to pack up and come to grandma and grandpa's house. I have read stories about grandparents who expect their adult children to make spending time with grandkids their priority without having to do any actual work to make it happen. I think with grandparents are missing out on is the empathy for their children. Yes, I get that you pictured the grandkids coming to your house or have a hectic life and wish your kids made more of an effort, but you have to understand that your children are actively parenting and unless you have children living in your house that you're also raising you are not dealing with the same struggles as your children. It's not your child's responsibility to make sure you have a relationship with your grandchild. YOU have to make the effort, NOT your children or grandchildren. It is up to YOU to actively engage.

If you work a lot, have an active social life or want to travel that is a you problem not your kids problem. If you can say “I did my raising of kids and I want to enjoy my retirement” then you can find empathy for your kids who are currently doing it. You should be able to travel and enjoy yourself but if you get cut off because you chose to do those things instead of cultivating a relationship with your grandchildren I have very little sympathy for you. It is hard to change, and you certainly do not have to change but understand that one thing your child can change is your access to them and their children if it is causing harm.

Based on my life and what I see around me, young parents are struggling, and it’s not limited to the young or parents. Now, I don’t have any statistics or hard facts for you, but in this case I doubt I need them. The struggle is real in your 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s and beyond.  We are all trying to survive and balance all the parts of our lives. You must accept that your dreams of being a grandparent are going to be different than what your children and grandchildren need from you.

If you “have no idea why you were cut off” or “what they are claiming is untrue they had a loving and safe childhood” there are somethings I think you can do if you are able to communicate with your child in any capacity. Spend time self-reflecting and try to see if you fit any of the examples I have heard of. How would you want to be helped when you were actively parenting? And then try to find a way to fit that into an apology you should be giving your kids. Write a letter detailing how you recognize your faults and that you want to find a way to work on the relationship. This is where you should google how to self-reflect and how to demonstrate that you have changed. And yes, whether you think you are at fault or not you might have to be the one to do this.

Young parents

One thing I hear a lot but never really see examples of when it comes to a parent child relationship is establishing boundaries. I don't know if anybody else has been told to establish a clear boundary without knowing what a boundary is. This is not the legal definition but in my words a boundary is something you do to protect yourself that usually has a behavior attached to it. Earlier I mentioned one of my personal boundaries. If I try to tell someone I care about they are doing something that has a negative effect on me, and they respond with “I am who I am and you can’t change me” then I get to establish a boundary and not allow that person access to my life or the life of my children. I can say, “ I understand that you are unwilling or unable to change, however there are things I can change and one of those things is your access to me and my family.” There plain and simple.

Personal Experience

I am actively raising children, work full time and have a spouse that works full time. We are busy. My oldest is a preteen girl and usually only wants to talk to me at the most inconvenient time. Usually around 9:00 at night, when I am finally winding down after working, commuting and the nightly routine and she's turned off her screen time she wants to tell me absolutely everything. I wasn't even on my phone for 5 minutes before she came out talking. I was short with her. I scowled and scoffed, rolled my eyes and asked her what she wanted because I had just turned my phone on. She obviously got upset. I realized that even though I'd had a busy day it was the first time all day she was able to talk to me. She's 12 so she's not going to realize all the things I had to do while she was playing tech time. I put myself in her shoes, how would I feel if I went up to my parents to try talk to them and more often than not they scowled and scoffed and rolled their eyes. It might not have happened every time I went to go talk to my Mom, but it would have to be just enough times to hurt me.  That could lead me to believe I was emotionally neglected, most especially if I have a therapist tell me this is an example of emotional neglect. Fortunately, I happen to be rather perceptive and pay attention to people's body language. It was easy to spot the hurt in my kid’s eyes and I came from a place of curiosity to find out why my daughter wanted to talk to me. I apologized to her and have since corrected that behavior.

Getting to this point was not easy for me. It took me a while to learn. But I learned, they are worth it.